The perfect day to die

 “The human ethical belief that death should be postponed as long as possible does not exist in nature—from which we are now, in any case, diverging.”-Felipe Sierra, the researcher at the National Institute on Aging

My initial thought was "There is a National Institute on Aging?" Who knew?  I have read two articles today, both from The Atlantic** about lifespans and the ramifications of more people living longer lives and what that might mean for us as humans in the future.  Reminds me of the Breaking Bad episode I saw last night - I am in season three - first time to embark down the rabbit hole.  I enjoy shows that try to reveal how complex it is to be good or bad.  It is also interesting finding oneself rooting for a character who is actively breaking the law and making bad choices.  I felt this way in Dexter and also when I read Crime and Punishment  (Mandatory reading for diploma). 

In last nights Netflix binge, Walt was talking to Jessie about how he being faced with the idea of his death (lung cancer) has changed him.  But that he missed the perfect time to die already.  He tries to articulate when he should have gone - finds a nearly perfect moment right after his daughter was born and longs to go back and not know what he knows now.

 I am boring myself. 

 I just think it amazing how it takes being confronted with imminent death to live with any kind of urgency (in most cases).  I also have been feeling since I started working after college - that I am wasting my life  
-"what is it all for?!!!!" 

 I am wasting away - literally every day as my body slowly marches to death.  (well actually it is more like expanding)   I need to look into this whole stand up desk business. Que my nightmare:

"Viewed globally, the lengthening of life spans seems independent of any single, specific event.  It didn’t accelerate much as antibiotics and vaccines became common. Nor did it retreat much during wars or disease outbreaks. A graph of global life expectancy over time looks like an escalator rising smoothly. The trend holds, in most years, in individual nations rich and poor."

I find myself constantly sitting in meetings and this overwhelming anxiety grips me and I stop listening to whatever is being said and I look around and I think, "What am I doing here with these people?! Am I going to be here in this room in 5, 10, 15, 20 years still sitting here...slowly dying...wearing bad pantsuits and writing on white boards, always waiting for a video to load...nodding and smiling and glancing at the clock...thinking "is this it?!"  The thing is I have had different jobs in different states for different companies and always the same thing.  I wonder what I am capable of and if I bought this lie that I was special and it has ruined me from simply accepting what I have and being thankful in my present circumstances.  

"When the 20th century began, life expectancy at birth in America was 47 years; now newborns are expected to live 79 years. If about three months continue to be added with each passing year, by the middle of this century, American life expectancy at birth will be 88 years. By the end of the century, it will be 100 years."

The thing is I don't know what I want to do.  I don't want to do nothing.  I believe we are made to work, to be creative and produce things and ideas and attempt to "cultivate our gardens." I am not afraid of working hard - quite the contrary - I want to work hard.  I want to feel I have really and truly worked.  That I used my brain and stretched myself to meet my potential and I broke down barriers and all those sayings from posters in elementary school.  Do I want to make money? Of course, but I believe what I learned in Sociology (such a mistake taking it at 8am) and how after about $50K and basic needs being met that happiness sort of levels out in that regard.  I do not stress out about money.  (this might change if I have kids and I need to pay for braces and club sports) but whatever we will make it work.  I want to be pushed and feel proud of what I have accomplished in my destined to be short or 100 year life.

Bright spot:

"Longer life spans may at last be the counterweight to materialism."

In fourth grade at the end of the year the teacher did this presentation thing with the students and parents and gave every kid a candy bar that represented them and said some words about them.  So someone got a Symphony bar because they played music and someone got a Sweet Tart and things like that.  I remember feeling so proud that I got a 100 Grand Bar.  She said all these nice things about me and I felt so important.  I sort of feel slightly depressed that I have not lived up to my candy bar coronation.  According to the graph above I am right on track to be making my First Contribution to the world.  Unless I am honest with myself and say maybe I do not belong on the graph at all. 

Where is the graph for "people with low - medium creative potential"  What about the average people?!  Do we not also need graphs?!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQgMLaqlRMk

"Many of us have suppressed, actively or passively, thinking about God, heaven and hell, and whether we return to the worms. We are agnostics or atheists, or just don’t think about whether there is a God and why she should care at all about mere mortals. We also avoid constantly thinking about the purpose of our lives and the mark we will leave. Is making money, chasing the dream, all worth it? Indeed, most of us have found a way to live our lives comfortably without acknowledging, much less answering, these big questions on a regular basis. We have gotten into a productive routine that helps us ignore them. " **more here and here

I went to Thailand recently on a "milennial life break travel to find myself tour" and taught English classes for about a week to some high schoolers who have grown up in a small community 4 hours outside of Bangkok.  We were studying professions and learning words like "photographer" "farmer" "artist" "actress" "mechanic" etc...
To help them learn their vocab better my friend and I would ask them questions so they could practice their new words.  So we asked, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" every single one of those 35+ students said farmer with the exception of policeman/woman from a couple.  Every single one - from a list of about 25 or more professions to choose from.  There were pictures and we had gone over definitions so there was a clear understanding of what each profession was.  Despite that and them being young enough to still dream none of them did.  They knew they would be farmers because that is what their parents were and what their grandparents had been before that.  A part of me envies and another pities them.  I know I can not be anything I want yet maybe the lie of that which was whispered to me has crippled me from accepting my limitations and current circumstances.