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Once Upon a time there was a girl who liked to read and imagine beautiful stories.  She was told that she could do anything as long as she could dream it.  She was told that she was special.  WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT.

We live in an age of technology yet businesses are still modeled for memos and in house phone calls.  No one needs a desk anymore.  There should be shared spaces and collaborating and no walls and conversation. There should be remote access and free wifi and meals on site and late hours and no dress code and a meeting place that actually accomplishes something.

We should take all the retirees and old people in nursing homes and give them desk jobs bc they would be perfect for it.  No interaction, very little expected of them.  A job title that keeps them pacified with benefits they can use and investments they can pass on to their children. Old people like to sit, they like to be on email all day and read about the news and make comments about it to each other.  They dont need a lot of exercise or new or change. Or they have accepted that this is enough.

Everything is so backwards. You are young, you have dreams and goals and energy. Then you start working. You learn how to conquer a xerox machine, how to format excel, how to look interested in meetings, how to wear the right things that are comfortable to sit in for long days and very cold buildings, you learn what elevators are the fastest, what co workers are the most interesting to sit next to during lunches, how to find the fun pens and sticky notes, how to not jump out the window when you realize this is what you have been working towards.  Yes, all the school, and writing, and homework, and late night chats with college friends, and traveling, and vocational bullshit.  All to lead you here. A little cog in the great machine. And for what?  For healthcare that I need when I am old. For money I need when I am old.  For the promise of security and normalcy and boredom.  Don't live out of the box. Work in the role we want you in - in the job description that is on that Word Document lest anyone colors outside of those lines. Worship mediocrity.  Rules that dont matter.  Lest we all remember that we are dying here.  That we were made for more. That we have forgotten how to think, how to try, how to be challenged, how to solve problems, how to make things better. Actually to contribute.  

We do what is asked, no more no less bc the system is crushing.  But yes, stay for 30 years. We will give you a name plate and special buttons and then you can sit in the meetings with the important bald men who also waited it out.  How neat.

I sit and I sit and I sit.  My thoughts and dreams are drying up. I cant remember what I really care about anymore.  I cant remember what it is like to put effort into things.  I cant remember...

But good thing I have on a collared shirt and my resume matches and I get my work done.  Good thing. I act like I don't have a choice.  I do.

I am so stuck.