Poetry for today

This was read to me by a friend recently and has been inspiring me ever since. I do not read or listen to poetry often bc I am drawn to stories and often poetry confuses me but this one made it through. 

Have you ever seen anything in your life more wonderful   than the way the sun, every evening, relaxed and easy, floats toward the horizon   and into the clouds or the hills, or the rumpled sea, and is gone-- and how it slides again   out of the blackness, every morning, on the other side of the world, like a red flower   streaming upward on its heavenly oils, say, on a morning in early summer, at its perfect imperial distance-- and have you ever felt for anything such wild love-- do you think there is anywhere, in any language, a word billowing enough for the pleasure   that fills you, as the sun reaches out, as it warms you   as you stand there, empty-handed-- or have you too turned from this world--   or have you too gone crazy for power, for things?
Mary Oliver The Sun

...............

Once Upon a time there was a girl who liked to read and imagine beautiful stories.  She was told that she could do anything as long as she could dream it.  She was told that she was special.  WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT.

We live in an age of technology yet businesses are still modeled for memos and in house phone calls.  No one needs a desk anymore.  There should be shared spaces and collaborating and no walls and conversation. There should be remote access and free wifi and meals on site and late hours and no dress code and a meeting place that actually accomplishes something.

We should take all the retirees and old people in nursing homes and give them desk jobs bc they would be perfect for it.  No interaction, very little expected of them.  A job title that keeps them pacified with benefits they can use and investments they can pass on to their children. Old people like to sit, they like to be on email all day and read about the news and make comments about it to each other.  They dont need a lot of exercise or new or change. Or they have accepted that this is enough.

Everything is so backwards. You are young, you have dreams and goals and energy. Then you start working. You learn how to conquer a xerox machine, how to format excel, how to look interested in meetings, how to wear the right things that are comfortable to sit in for long days and very cold buildings, you learn what elevators are the fastest, what co workers are the most interesting to sit next to during lunches, how to find the fun pens and sticky notes, how to not jump out the window when you realize this is what you have been working towards.  Yes, all the school, and writing, and homework, and late night chats with college friends, and traveling, and vocational bullshit.  All to lead you here. A little cog in the great machine. And for what?  For healthcare that I need when I am old. For money I need when I am old.  For the promise of security and normalcy and boredom.  Don't live out of the box. Work in the role we want you in - in the job description that is on that Word Document lest anyone colors outside of those lines. Worship mediocrity.  Rules that dont matter.  Lest we all remember that we are dying here.  That we were made for more. That we have forgotten how to think, how to try, how to be challenged, how to solve problems, how to make things better. Actually to contribute.  

We do what is asked, no more no less bc the system is crushing.  But yes, stay for 30 years. We will give you a name plate and special buttons and then you can sit in the meetings with the important bald men who also waited it out.  How neat.

I sit and I sit and I sit.  My thoughts and dreams are drying up. I cant remember what I really care about anymore.  I cant remember what it is like to put effort into things.  I cant remember...

But good thing I have on a collared shirt and my resume matches and I get my work done.  Good thing. I act like I don't have a choice.  I do.

I am so stuck.

Millenial Mondays

I am having another one of those "how did I get here Mondays?"

I walked from my apartment this morning but I mean in the abstract sense.

My first real boss would say that we are only 5 decisions away from shitting in a bag and throwing it over our shoulder.

Maybe that is what is happening to me.  I have made these decisions to get me to this cube with post it notes everywhere and highlighters and one of those comfy office chairs.  How sad to think that I am having to force my body to adapt to sitting all day everyday.  Well I suppose it is already accustomed.

I have become a permanent consumer.

I also have a run in my thick stockings from the zipper on my boot.

And it is almost 3:40.

I did finally get some good hand lotion though.  Winter time is bad for my typing utensils.

I made some delicious chicken last night:
bacon fat in an iron skillet.  seasoned chicken - heavily handed.  Add whole green chili then melt cheese on top.

DELICIOUS.  Thank you cracker barrel for the inspiration.