You are losing me. Remember that time , the first time, that I started doing something you could not understand. We were in college, I fell for this older man, he was Jewish and it made no sense to you so you WENT FREAKING CRAZY?!!!
Yes, your sentiments had truth to them, yes, you had reasons to be concern and voice disapproval but you were almost broken by it. The fact that something was happening you could not control, change, or understand made you more than a little bit crazy and a lot rude. We could not even talk about other things, be in the same room, you lived and breathed your disapproval, you wore it and were covered in it, it consumed you entirely.
Well that is long over yet your inability to support someone through something you don't understand lives on.
It is such a shame that you choose to be close to your judgements instead of me. That you would rather spend time with indignation and condescension than knowing what is going on in my life.
Maybe this is what was meant to happen. We were meant to grow up and get married and have different lives.
It feels strange, all the space.
I miss being close, I miss our bunk beds, I miss getting ready together. I miss getting each other without talking about things.
boys ruin everything. :/
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
F the GRE
I am supposed to be studying for the GRE but every time I try to take a practice test I get a couple questions in and I stop caring and my mind wanders and I start hating the test makers who came up with such a stupid, archaic, irrelevant test. It is counterproductive but it happens every time. Then this cycle of self loathing begins and I wonder why I am not disciplined enough to study just a little bit every day, why it is so difficult to challenge myself all of a sudden, how it is I used to be accomplished and study and take tests and ever got into college much less graduated in the first place.
Then I eat some chocolate.
Then I mess with my face.
Then I sit on the couch next to my boyfriend and see what he is doing.
Then I look through instagram.
Then I start studying again and the cycle continues.
I mean could any test be less relevant to higher education....it is basically every formula that was once used in high school math classes that I have since never used again. News flash GRE gods, I do not need to know how to find the area of a circle, the perimeter of a parallelogram, or the ratio of yellow marbles to blue marbles - I cant even remember the last time I saw a marble much less gave a shit about which color I grabbed out of a bag. What is this fucking Hook - RIP Robin Williams- Not to mention that the fact I have to memorize those useless formulas is whack - we got cheat sheets in honors Algebra II - I believe we should get them during the GRE. Plus if someone is going to be successful in Grad School they will know how to fucking Google.
The verbal section is just as ridiculous. It is like they purposefully choose sentences and little paragraphs that will bore you out of your mind so that nothing is retained. Why not ask me about relevant things like when your boss in the real world micro manages every thing you do but she also gives you an annual review every year that determines your fate/salary and every one around you kisses her ass, what do you do!??
Or when every one you know starts getting married in the same year and you have to fly to 13 weddings, bachelorettes, and wedding showers, with a salary of X amount how much can each present, lingerie item, and new dress cost?
Or if you are 27 with a fast metabolism but things are starting to slow down how many minutes a day should you be working out vs how much cheese and bread can still be eaten?
If your boyfriend and you have been dating for almost 2 years how do you know if you are being complacent or if he is the ONE ?!
I dont even know if I want to go to grad school, I just know that I want to learn new things, challenge myself, and feel inspired....and I don't have the money to travel the world so this seems like the next best option. Maybe I should just pick up a new hobby like sewing, or gardening, or I could train to be a helper at those horse therapy places. What I really want to do is work at a bakery and learn how to make bread. That seems like a skill that will really come in handy during the apocalypse....AND what is better than fresh baked bread?! NOTHING but cheese with that bread.
_________________________________________________________________________________
The book club met last night. We read "Big Little Lies" by Liane Moriarty. Not the most literary novel ever but a definite page turner. She really nails the inner monologue that woman constantly have going. I also appreciated the insight into domestic abuse and what some women go through, the shame and how easy it is to miss from those around the victims. The book also highlights women's sort of constant obsession/struggle with beauty and how that influences much of women's interactions with each other, men, and themselves. One of the best issue it deals with, as the title reveals, is the issue with lies, even little ones and secrets. How they can change, shape, alter, and ruin lives.
I like Liane's books - I read the "Husbands Secret" too. To be honest, the Goldfinch taught me less about life than this book did. So the Goldfinch is like the GRE - pretentious and bloated and basically so boring you want to gauge your eyes out - sorry im not sorry Pulitzer Prize Committee. And this book is like real life - a page turner with WTF moments that are sometimes predictable and other times completely jarring.
(ALSO strange that the most beautiful character in the book is supposed to be a redhead and that was my biggest WTF moment. Not the hitting or the rape or any of the twists, nope, the hardest thing for me to swallow was the ginger was a hottie. Nothing against red heads but I was picturing her blonde and a quick poll of the book club found most all of them were too. I think this is really interesting. Why is it that 20 women read about a fictional character being "amazingly beautiful" and almost all of us picture her blonde?! I think it is because red heads are under represented in movies and television. I mean Jessica Chastain is a hot red head but I don't think she is naturally that color. Amy Adams is cute but I dont think of her as like super sexy. Maybe American Hustle Amy Adams, definitely not Superman Amy Adams - although her hair was dyed for that. )
So some take aways:
-If the GRE represents how useful Grad School will be pertinent to real life than I might as well cut my losses now.
-I am and always will be a procrastinator
-My boss really does micro manage and it drives me crazy and I will never tell her and always always kiss her ass so that I will get good reviews and make more money and get out of there as soon as possible.
-cubicles are dangerous for ones sanity and waistline
-I think about quitting my job every day but the healthcare and rent money prevent me from bold choices
-I have already spent close to $3,000 on weddings this year and it is only April.
-I just tried to do 20 push ups and it is the hardest thing I have done all day
-It is definitely time for more chocolate
-Every day faithfulness to God is something I have been thinking a lot about. It worries me because I am terrible with routine and discipline.
-Yoga pants make me feel pretty but having zits at 27 does not.
Going to watch more Outlander on Starz and pretend that Jaime Frasier is a REAL MAN.
Then I eat some chocolate.
Then I mess with my face.
Then I sit on the couch next to my boyfriend and see what he is doing.
Then I look through instagram.
Then I start studying again and the cycle continues.
I mean could any test be less relevant to higher education....it is basically every formula that was once used in high school math classes that I have since never used again. News flash GRE gods, I do not need to know how to find the area of a circle, the perimeter of a parallelogram, or the ratio of yellow marbles to blue marbles - I cant even remember the last time I saw a marble much less gave a shit about which color I grabbed out of a bag. What is this fucking Hook - RIP Robin Williams- Not to mention that the fact I have to memorize those useless formulas is whack - we got cheat sheets in honors Algebra II - I believe we should get them during the GRE. Plus if someone is going to be successful in Grad School they will know how to fucking Google.
The verbal section is just as ridiculous. It is like they purposefully choose sentences and little paragraphs that will bore you out of your mind so that nothing is retained. Why not ask me about relevant things like when your boss in the real world micro manages every thing you do but she also gives you an annual review every year that determines your fate/salary and every one around you kisses her ass, what do you do!??
Or when every one you know starts getting married in the same year and you have to fly to 13 weddings, bachelorettes, and wedding showers, with a salary of X amount how much can each present, lingerie item, and new dress cost?
Or if you are 27 with a fast metabolism but things are starting to slow down how many minutes a day should you be working out vs how much cheese and bread can still be eaten?
If your boyfriend and you have been dating for almost 2 years how do you know if you are being complacent or if he is the ONE ?!
I dont even know if I want to go to grad school, I just know that I want to learn new things, challenge myself, and feel inspired....and I don't have the money to travel the world so this seems like the next best option. Maybe I should just pick up a new hobby like sewing, or gardening, or I could train to be a helper at those horse therapy places. What I really want to do is work at a bakery and learn how to make bread. That seems like a skill that will really come in handy during the apocalypse....AND what is better than fresh baked bread?! NOTHING but cheese with that bread.
_________________________________________________________________________________
The book club met last night. We read "Big Little Lies" by Liane Moriarty. Not the most literary novel ever but a definite page turner. She really nails the inner monologue that woman constantly have going. I also appreciated the insight into domestic abuse and what some women go through, the shame and how easy it is to miss from those around the victims. The book also highlights women's sort of constant obsession/struggle with beauty and how that influences much of women's interactions with each other, men, and themselves. One of the best issue it deals with, as the title reveals, is the issue with lies, even little ones and secrets. How they can change, shape, alter, and ruin lives.
I like Liane's books - I read the "Husbands Secret" too. To be honest, the Goldfinch taught me less about life than this book did. So the Goldfinch is like the GRE - pretentious and bloated and basically so boring you want to gauge your eyes out - sorry im not sorry Pulitzer Prize Committee. And this book is like real life - a page turner with WTF moments that are sometimes predictable and other times completely jarring.
(ALSO strange that the most beautiful character in the book is supposed to be a redhead and that was my biggest WTF moment. Not the hitting or the rape or any of the twists, nope, the hardest thing for me to swallow was the ginger was a hottie. Nothing against red heads but I was picturing her blonde and a quick poll of the book club found most all of them were too. I think this is really interesting. Why is it that 20 women read about a fictional character being "amazingly beautiful" and almost all of us picture her blonde?! I think it is because red heads are under represented in movies and television. I mean Jessica Chastain is a hot red head but I don't think she is naturally that color. Amy Adams is cute but I dont think of her as like super sexy. Maybe American Hustle Amy Adams, definitely not Superman Amy Adams - although her hair was dyed for that. )
So some take aways:
-If the GRE represents how useful Grad School will be pertinent to real life than I might as well cut my losses now.
-I am and always will be a procrastinator
-My boss really does micro manage and it drives me crazy and I will never tell her and always always kiss her ass so that I will get good reviews and make more money and get out of there as soon as possible.
-cubicles are dangerous for ones sanity and waistline
-I think about quitting my job every day but the healthcare and rent money prevent me from bold choices
-I have already spent close to $3,000 on weddings this year and it is only April.
-I just tried to do 20 push ups and it is the hardest thing I have done all day
-It is definitely time for more chocolate
-Every day faithfulness to God is something I have been thinking a lot about. It worries me because I am terrible with routine and discipline.
-Yoga pants make me feel pretty but having zits at 27 does not.
Going to watch more Outlander on Starz and pretend that Jaime Frasier is a REAL MAN.
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